Smoked Salmon Protest | Christmas Gift Section
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Ask a Silly Chef! Get a Silly Answer!

A huge crowd of protesters (9) from the pressure group PAIN (People for Animals, Insects, and Nuts) gathered outside the Scotch Salmon Smoking HQ today to demand the immediate cessation of smoking salmon.

" This custom is cruel and barbaric," said Ms. Winer Broccoli, spokesthingy for PAIN, " salmon are intelligent creatures, and are born non-smokers, and we think it’s terrible to make them smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day just so people can enjoy the pleasures of the flesh. What’s more, they’re smoking underage! All animals in the sea should be treated with love and compassion "

Ms. Broccoli, who was dressed in a traditional kilt made of potato peelings, then proceeded to remove her shirt and suckle a baby lobster in front of the amazed onlookers.

A spokesman for the industry, Sir Campbell McSoup, was unavailable for comment since he was enjoying a wee dram of 21 yr old Speyside single malt.

Ask a Silly Chef! Get a Silly Answer!

Send Clive a Question!

Christmas is upon us! It’s time for good cheer, good food, and good times! (and good gifts, hint, hint!!) . My mailbox has been overflowing with questions about traditional Xmas fare, so without more ado, here are the answers :

A: This is a question I’m asked every single year. It’s a wonderful opportunity to really show the family that YOU are an "expèrte" in the kitchen! My personal preference is pink taffeta, with a bold "entrée" just below the old "foie gras", don’t you know? SOOooooooooo sexy! Use kid leather bootees and, if you like, a Mexican style Sombrero! That’ll keep the in-laws quiet!!

A. Nothing easier! These are delicious for dessert, after a hugely fattening lunch.

First of all, chop down a nice tender Pine tree. It should not be more than 1 ft in diameter, otherwise the table will collapse!! (ha, ha) . Cut into 2 ft lengths, and hollow out the middle with a circular saw. Cook for 14 hours until tender, then stuff with dates, raisins, currants, dried apples, dried pears, dried figs, sultanas, dried apricots, prunes, 2 bottles of cognac and a pound of sugar. Cook for 14 hours more, then remove from the heat and bathe in melted chocolate. Allow to cool in the fridge.

A. That’s an easy question! The origin probably hails from olde England, during the 14^th Century. The local king used to offer a prize of 15 silver shillings to the winner of the roly-poly race. This was traditionally held on Dec. 25^th, and involved eating as much as possible (in order to become a ‘Xmas Pud’) then rolling down the hill into the castle moat. The winner (the one who survived the ordeal) was then proclaimed " Christmas Pudding" and was awarded the prize, along with an 8-week stay at Dr. Atkin’s Resort on South Beach.